TEST SUBJECT 2.b - ROB MARS (FORMERLY OLLIE GRIND OF CRUCIAL YOUTH) NEW YORK, NEW YORK

Rob pictured second from right

1.) Why do you think people become obsessive about records?

For me much of record collecting is about the hunt. This has become increasingly easier in the past 15 years with the internet making everything available to us. Prior to that I would be so excited to wake upon a Saturday morning and scour the bins at St Marks Sounds, VenusRecords, and all of the other NY record stores for any of the records onmy list. Records also have a great format to accompany the sleeve art. Once CDsbecame the new format for music it lost its magic. Noone really likes things that are small!

2.) Would you say that you were obsessive about records in the past?

I was most obsessive about records from 1985 to 1995 when I was listeningto mostly punk. The limited pressings and colored vinyl really did it forme. After moving back to NY from Portland I had to give up the obsession due to space issues so I pared down to the essentials.

3.) How many records do you currently own?

Unfortunately when I moved back I sold about 1,500 records so I am down toabout 500 between 12"s and 7"s.

4.) What is your most played record ever?

Because of the rarity of much of my collection I tried to keep it inpristine condition so I would copy them to tape and listen to them from there. I still listen to Slayer "Reign in Blood" at least once a week so that is pretty much my most played record of all times.

5.) What do you think your record 'collection' says about you?

I think a record collection is like an personal diary of your life. There are the dark secrets that lurk with those "soft" albums that you don't want anyone to know about and then there are your passing crushes like those times you actually listened to gangster rap but your collection as awhole gives people the story of your life in musical form.

6.) Favorite sleeve?

Anything Iron Maiden. Up the Irons!!

7.) If the creator of the cosmos could see you record collection what do youthink he would say?

Can I borrow that Cough/Cool 7" right quick!

8.) Which record that you don't have would you most like to magically appearunder your pillow?

The last two records that I never got where Deep Wound 7" (Pre-Dinosaur Jr) and the Last Rites
7" (Boston hardcore pre-Slapshot). Either of thosewould be acceptable.

9.) As a musician and former mover and shaker within the 80s New York HardCore scene, music must have influenced you considerably growing up, what were your pre-hard core listening habbits?

In the 70's I was listening to KISS, Elton John, Led Zeppelin, Bruce,Eagles and into the 80's it turned to AC/DC, Black Sabbath, Ozzy which ledme to heavier bands like Metallica, Slayer, and Anthrax. I think the punkinfluence from thrash metal led me into black metal, punk, and eventually hardcore.

10.) Can you pinpoint an event in your life that has gone some way to shapingyour listening habits?

In the late 70's I remember riding my bike through the back of my grade school playground and the older neighborhood kids were in the back oftheir pickup drinking beer and smoking cigarettes. They were cranking Led Zeppelin "Black Dog" and I heard it and it was like a voice from God! Iwas changed after hearing Led Zeppelin in a positive way! Denim jackets with patches and cold beer...C'mon.

11.) Do/Did records make you happy?

They made me neurotic when I was collecting but now that I have toned it down I am happy to go through my albums and remember where I was when Igot each one and what I felt on my first listen. I am sad that I sold 3/4 of my collection but I still have the memories.

12.) Record shopping wise what's given you the biggest buzz?

Crossing off the Antidote "Thou Shalt Not Kill" 7" after finding it at anobscure record store in North Jersey. That record is a classic that spawned bands like Youth of Today and Gorilla Biscuits.

13.) Have you ever dreamt about record shops or record shopping? if so please expand.

My record collecting dreams always dealt with Misfits records. Danzig really new how to hype up rare pressings and limited covers. He has a discography in Thrasher magazine that made me drool trying to find all ofthem. I was so sad when I was back on the train going home to New Jersey with no good finds and knowing that certain records were hanging on thewall at whatever record store.

14.) What is your favorite record store ever?

Venus Records when it was on 61 West 8th Street. I remember it was when Mike Page worked there and he was such a rad dude even though he busted on all of the hardcore kids. Every band traveling through would stop overthere and they always had the rare pressings and colored vinyl behind the counter and would only offer it to you if they liked you. It was a magical time for New York Hardcore and I am happy that I was around to witness the greatness.

15.) Having spent a lot of time in and around the record shops of St Marks Place in NYC do you have any amusing record shopping based stories you mightcare to recount?

Spotting Bernard Goetz in Venus Records when it was on St Marks and myfriend wanting to offer him a Public Enemy record. If you dont know who heis look here:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bernhard_Goetz

16.) How much has that area changed?

I think that Manhattan as a whole has changed since Giuliani really stepped up the police force and made the city a safer place. St Marks used to bethe squatters, punk, alternative hangout but in the past few years it has become restaurant row for mostly Asian restaurants. The food is good but the street is no longer what it was. I think Trash and Vaudeville is the last remaining punk holdout on the block.

17.) How will you dispose of your collection when you die?

Hopefully I can donate it to a museum. Will there be a punk museum by that time?

18.) Do you still have that original 7'' of the Misfits 'Cough Cool'?

I still have all of my Misfits records. They were a band that changed mylife in a good way and I spent so many years looking for that record that I could not part with it.

18.b) Where do you keep it and what time are you at work until most nights?

Its safe in a concrete bunker 3 miles below the earth guarded by vicious fairies armed with lasers.

20.) Name three records that you believe have shaped the universe around you.

Led Zeppelin IV, Slayer "Reign in Blood", and Youth of Today "Can't close my eyes" all for different reasons but they all represented hearing something so new at the time that it still gets played at least once amonth if not more.

21.) Name one album that you believe represents the pinnacle of human musicalachievement

Duuude..any Yngwie Malmsteen record...

22.) Worst album ever made?

In my opinion J esse C amp and the 8th S treet K idz was the worst corporatemarketing wanna be fake punk record ever made. Probably why St Marks fellapart as a punk hangout. Just kidding.

23.) Do you think that collecting records ever had a negative effect on your social life?

Totally the opposite because it involved my friends, traveling to recordstores, going to shows and being a part of a social scene based aroundskateboarding, punk music, DIY fanzines and art.

D.O.C RECORDS - HOLLOWAY, LONDON

Three days later I am still really not sure how to put this in to words. Occasionally I write reviews of used record retailers, worship the great, lament the better ones and have a bit of a dig at the shit shops (Da Capo of Berlin I am talking to you). What to do then when you are confronted by a shop so far from the mark you are forced to re-evaluate the past?

I imagine this is how astronomers feel when they discover a new star or a new galaxy, your perspective of distance and time and infinity suddenly alters, changes slightly. Changes drastically.

D.O.C Records is the record shop equivalent of what is known in weather terms as 'a perfect storm': Blind grading, ambitious book based pricing and a stock nested in a dank basement that is what can only be described as patchy at best, the records sandwiched amongst a most impressive collection of over priced VHS videos I have seen in a long time.

I feel the need to add an upside here on the off chance that the friendly and helpful owner ever reads this: you were both friendly and helpful and for that I thank you.

Now back to painting a picture akin to Bosch's vision of hell...

No i can't, being a blog bitch or wannabe Michael Winner of the record world really isn't me, at least not today. I will just say that the trip was something of a dissapointment especially when you take into consideration the setting: Off a main road in North London, tucked away in a suburban street a long hike for the Asian/European 'Axis of Evil' currency tourists and not mentioned anywhere.

It has all the hallmarks of the thing of legend (Pied Piper Records if Northampton circa '95 for example) a gold mine, a holy temple of all things flat round and plastic. But no. I mean yes, some (and I mean some) of the stock is there: The Stooges - The Stooges first press but it's 195quid and judging by the copy of Led Zep III (Out at EX/NM - Record had a gash across one track making it unplayable) It wouldn't have been worth checking even if I did have an urge to spunk mad money on it.

The main issue with D.O.C however was the fact that something, somewhere in the shop was rotting. From experience it smelled like rats had possibly got between the floorboards before dying and initially that made staying long enough for even the most fleeting of views a bit difficult. I say initially because after about five minutes and around the time I hit the Kinks section my eyes had stopped watering and my lungs had adjusted. Amazing what the human body is capable of enduring for the most paper-thin promise of reward.

'No! Wait, just give me five minuts, I know you can't breathe but there might be a copy of that G.T.Os album in here....Stop crying and look goddamnit!'

And the worst part is this is not my first visit to said shop. I went fully armed with no expectations to be met and no reason to return. It was a Saturday and I was sat in my local pub when I was hit by that 'oh so familiar' overwhelming compulsion to get to a record shop as soon as possible.

The entire trip can be summed up in the words of my chiseling partner for the day...

'Let us never speak of this again.'

TIM BUCKLEY -SERFONIA

Sleeping tablets seem like such a good idea at the time: A sure-fire fool-proof good nights sleep. What you tend to forget or push to the back of your mind when popping that 10mg white wonder is 'the morning after', the sleeping pill comedown. I was out of bed for about 11.00am this morning and finally woke up about twenty minutes ago. The interim was spent bouncing around my apartment like a confused and slow motion pinball scoring points off the toilet, sofa and kitchen surface. Ugh.

Even now I am not quite back in the land of the living, one foot still in that place between here and asleep. So was it worth it? An entire morning sacrificed in the name of a nights sleep free of German fucking idiots singing and dancing outside of my window? Yes, I think it was because for the first Nuremberg Sunday in a long time I am not fantasizing about rolling hand grenades down night club stairs, about waiting with a Polaroid at the entrance to start snapping my handiwork, laughing at the limbless as they struggle to escape the flames and debris. Severe yes but noise pollution, sonic torture they do strange things to a man. Strange things.

And talking if 'strange things' (Whoooopa!) Tim Buckley's 'Sefronia' is on my turntable. It's the first time I heard it and I can't for the life of me remember where this copy came from. I imagine I picked it up around Christmas. Now I always had this pinned as 'Bad Buckley' (File along with 'Look At the Fool') but I was obviously wrong. Okay it's not staggering like 'Blue Afternoon' or 'Starsailor' but it's not half bad... Wait, but it kind of is. Half of it is 'not great' so I suppose technically it's 'Half not great'. But let's concentrate on the half, actually more than half if I'm honest that is great. Tim seems to nail it almost every other song, his voice pitch perfect, equal parts tortured genius and Dan Fogelberg and the orchestration is clear crisp and expertly balanced. Oddly enough this is also the records undoing. There are places where it sounds close to Jim Steinmen era Meatloaf 'Bat Out of Buckley' if you will. 

I really should give 'Look At the Fool' another go off the back of this. Not least because it's his death rattle, his final act before he accidentally O.D'd on beer and horse. I wonder if he sings about dolphins and 'brown nipples' on on that as well, I do hope so. The song 'Martha' that comes after the idiotic but catchy 'Peanut Man' is really, really good. The strings are fantastic, definitely a keeper.

Something else wonderful about this record is the sleeve. It's the 'Mona Lisa' of record covers. Is he frowning? Is that an 'enigmatic smile'? You really can't tell if he's happy or if he needs a shit. There is obviously something going on inside his head, its just impossible to say what it is. Maybe he had to take sleeping tablets the night before?

So in conclusion, would I stick my neck out and recommend this? Yes, I think I would but with a caveat: This is not 'Star Sailor'... But it's not, not 'Star Sailor' if you get me? Imagine somebody took 'Star Sailor' and put it in the washing machine, hung it out to dry and ironed it really well, well that's kind of 'Serfonia'. Your favorite jeans with a crease ironed down the front of the leg.

VIP RECORD FAIR - KENSINGTON, LONDON

'Is it a spiral or a spaceship label?'

'I went to school with Graham Bond, he was a nice chap...yes that's right threw himself under a train at Finsbury Park tube station.'

'I fucking hate you!... I am not a rich man, I live above a hairdressers, here six hundred quid, now give me the fucking record. Thankyou.'

'I have one of the best 'Apple' label collections in the world and I have an acetate of 'Freak Out'... nearly.'

It's official, it would appear that as test subject 1.b so eloquently put it, we truly are all 'cunts'. On Saturday I spent my morning in the company of men, the likes of whom would no doubt crack old peoples skulls for the right record. Fusty, broken and bent middle aged men who dream of spinning black circles and A.1/B.1 matrix numbers, men who live with their parents, waiting for them to die so that they can turn the family home into more records and downsize. And what's funny is I say this as if I am any different, somehow better. Okay, I don't live at home and I wouldn't wantonly wound or maim anybody for any record...

............STATIC ...........

Okay, that's a much tougher question than I had anticipated it being, I need to park it for now, take it 'off-line' and address it at some point in the near future when I am feeling substantially less 'needy'. Anyway, back to my point, the point I was making when I realized I might consider the life of a vinyl mercenary. I read this back and I sound like I somehow believe that I am better than these trainspotters just because I am at least partially self-aware. Truth is I am here with them, admittedly no, not for the 8.30 'early bird catches the worm' entry but I am there non the less. If I wasn't so helplessly consumed by my obsession right now this would be a downright tawdry place to be, miserable beyond belief. All unpleasant odors and wax jacket and tracksuit pant combinations, sausage-roll snacks and sugar-heavy soft drinks. The entire thing is vinly indigestion, a giant cultural belch. A big fat record burp that smells of the night before, of stale beer, crisps (potato chips) and whatever microwave meal... But it also smells of something else, beneath the initial pungent stench is a very different odor, that of shellac, of the dynaflex, of the carefully stored Garrard Lofthouse card board flip-back sleeve.

Before I move on I feel the need to squeeze out one last 'comparison'. It's like finally coming across a desert oasis, fresh water, palm trees and all only to find it full of dirty hippos, shitting in the water and talking about 'unpeeled Butcher sleeves'.

Fuck it, I am thirsty, I have been walking for days, I dive in and resist as I might, I turn into a hippo.

I actually refrain from talking at these gatherings as much as possible, not just because I am particularly anti-social but because I can never think of anything to say. Too many records, brain focuses all efforts on speeding fingers, cataloguing images with mind...words too difficult bar the occasional 'I'll take those please'.

I stop for a Coke break, for I have fallen slave once again to the mighty caffeine. Merely months ago I had been drug free for almost six years. I deliberately choose a table across from two happy and harmless looking types. Were it not for the encyclopedic babble being spewed from their occasionally foaming mouths I would have had them pinned as 'day release' patients: Both in grey anoraks, v-neck jumpers and brown shoes topped with pleat-front courds. I am guessing at the finer details of the trousers - they are sitting down.

Between them they have two very deep cardboard 7" record mailers, each designed to carry about 100 singles. Inside, what looked to be every single single the Rolling Stones had ever released.

'I seem to remember getting this one off you, yes that's right, Argentinian picture sleeve... lovely... Never played.'

I am caught staring open mouthed, part in adoration and part in wonder at where they live and how. With the hiss of my Coke bottle I get back to my lonely purchase - A mono UK press of Love 'Forever Changes'. Not something I thought I would have in my hands when I woke up this morning and a bargain at 40 quid. As the day goes on this bag will get heavier, eventually multiplying into three gaudy yellow plastic carriers each with the VIP record fair logo and show dates printed on. Eventually they will be flanked by the kind of guilt at over-spending that I try to reserve for particularly well reviewed restaurants.

Now the face of record fairs in the UK has changed a lot since last time I partook. For one the Japanese are gone, no doubt the fair isle of Nippon finally sank under the weight of all the vinyl pillaged from the US and Europe throughout the 90's - Can't say it doesn't serve them right greedy fuckers. Where are you now Tetsuo? What's that? Trade me a water-damaged Mono 'Village Green Preservation Society' for a life preserver? Not this time pal.

The rest of Europe however is here in force taking advantave of a weak currency and air-fairs that cost less than a tank of petrol. Also the prices have gone through the roof - In some cases two zero's added to previous mark ups. Much as I would like a copy I am not about to spend 1250 pounds on Vashti Bunyan's 'Just Another Diamond Day' even if it is 'minty'.

....You do know that 'Minty' isn't actually a word dont you? Unless of course you are referring to the taste of something. It's 'Mint' you fucking moron. You are as bad as the youth who pluralise 'Vinyl' adding an unwanted 'S' to the end.

The second half of my trip down the rabbit hole sees me suck up a very pleasing array of spiritual jazz and rock staples, one dealer in particular is massively helpful. He is selling off a few of his records due to space related issues. Christ only knows how many he has at home. I cruise the remaining stalls aghast at some of the prices, yes these are rare records, but unless you only come here for bragging rights and a hard-on shaped like a Wings 'Back to the Egg' picture disc then really, what's the point?

I also stop by the only store to have multiple copies of the one record I really wanted to come away with Fairport Convention's 'Unhalfbricking' - car boot sale fodder not ten years ago and now touching three digits for a decent first press. I examine all three different versions of the record. Exactly when did EX start meaning Good Plus? I heard this guy banging on about the importance of grading not an hour ago. Would love to see what one of his 'Mint' records looks like... 'Minty' probably.

So, finances at an end and buckling arms I bid a sub-concious farewell to my fellow hopeless chiselers and leaving them to their trestle tables and over-stuffed cardboard boxes I head in the general direction of the bus stop, more than aware that I could have bought a shitty but used car with the money I just spunked up the wall.

Oh the horror.

COIL - SCATOLOGY

This record would appear to be massively apt for the current climate and matching mood. This morning it was minus 14, I opened my front door and was assaulted by the kind of cracking and concrete like air that says 'death if you wear the wrong hat'. I have been in colder but it has always been for positive 'happy happy' recreational reasons: Chicago - record shopping, New York - record shopping, Amsterdam - three guesses?

But to be face-raped by this kind of weather not through choice but necessity, fuck if that doesn't ever make me miserable. Not even the weekends spoils (VIP record fair - review to follow) can detract from the fact that right now I am at a psychic low of below-freezing. Right now I am not just questioning my buying habbits but my very leaving the house, nay my bed. The office is shit as ever, two thirds empty and utterly silent. I could be at home listening to 'Scatology' really loud.

So the sound of 'Scatology' is not exactly what you might call 'cheery'. Quite why I put it on last night when I knew I was having trouble raising even the most enigmatic of smiles I don't know, but I did. I suppose after a car journey to Berlin last week that saw Starship's 'We Built This City on Rock n' Roll' played three times I am pretty much impervious to anything.

'Scatology' is integral to Coil's mythology, an important part of their Crowleyesque quasi-non/religious poop and blood worshipping synthesiser based insanity due to it being somekind of beginning. When I first heard of the group it was in association with 'Wax Trax' (Ugh) records and in retrospect I don't know if their brief period with the label was a genuine attempt at selling themselves to the RevCo/Ministry crowd or not. I imagine they had every chance of having a fan base to rival that of Skinny Puppy (musically parallells can be drawn with all three previously mentioned bands) and conquering Canada but it didn't happen. Now was it something to do with releasing a concept album about shitting? About shitting and then playing with it? About squeezing it through your fingers and smearing it on your face? Now I don't know for sure but if ever I felt safe in an assumption it would be now...

Yes you can hear toilets, melancholy 80s keyboards and a very angry John Balance but it's never as base as you might expect. It stops a long way short of anything too toiletty and is wonderfully deadpan throughout. Now unlike their peers (Death in June, C93, NWW etc) Coil actually managed to build on their manifesto of muck rather than falling short in later years. Sonically they became more powerful and visually more exciting but as starting points go this is a good one.

Unrelated: I run the risk of incurring the wrath of Angela Merkel and the German tourist board in saying this but seriously, if you can avoid ever coming to Bavaria ever as long as you live, please do so. It is the black, black heart of a very ugly place and that in mind track one, side two: 'Solar Lodge' - 'Watch the black sun rise.'

Slightly more related: Sadly no, my copy does not have the 'anal staircase' post card pasted on the front sleeve.

TEST SUBJECT 1.b - SEFTON BLATHER OF LONDON, ENGLAND

Find below second test subject responses:

1.) Why do you think people become obsessive about records?

Some people are just obsessive, aren’t they? Some people watch porn, some people buy records. Some people do both.

2.) Would you class yourself as obsessive about records?

Yes, but I’m in recovery.

3.) Do you have any 'rules' regarding what you will or will not buy?

No, because that’s not very punk rock, is it? Though having said that, there are certain patterns that I seem to follow. For example, I only buy jazz and reggae on vinyl. I’m not sure why I do this, other than the obvious – I’m a bit of a cunt. If you’re talking about setting restrictions on my purchases like only buying originals, then no – I’m not that much of a cunt.

4.) Approximately how many records do you own?

Just records, not CDs or 7”s? About one thousand six hundred and ninety four.

5.) Is there a reason for your accumulating?

Other than being a cunt? I guess I have always been an insecure person with a desperate craving to belong. Collecting records is like being part of a gang only you don’t have to talk to the other gang members. It’s socialising without having to socialise – perfect for the socially inept. And the generally misanthropic. Working in a record shop for nearly fourteen years may have had something to do with it though. What can I say? I was born to do it – I’ve got chiselling fingers.

6.) What is your most played record?

I don’t know. I’m getting on a bit, so thankfully most of my listening took place before the invention of the ‘play count’. I’ve listened to The Go-Betweens’ 1978-1990 a few times though and Codeine’s Frigid Star has been played once or twice over the years too. As have Philophobia and Hatful of Hollow… But ‘most played record’? Sorry, can’t help you mate. Ask a teenager.

7.) What do you think your record 'collection' says about you? Four letters. Begins with C. Possibly preceded by the word ‘pretentious’. Either that or I’m superfuckingcool. It’s a fine line.

8.) Favorite sleeve?

Too many to choose just one…

Ivor Cutler – Jammy Smears



[“C’mon you fuckers, I’ll take the lot of you on. Who’s first?”]

Bob Dylan – The Times They are A-Changin’



John Phillips – John, the Wolf King of LA



U-Roy – Dread in a Babylon



Elvin Jones and Richard Davis – Heavy Sounds



The Ornette Coleman Quartet – This Is Our Music



Eno, Moebius, Roedelius, – After The Heat



Eno, Moebius, Roedelius, Plank – Begegnungen



Flying Saucer Attack – Flying Saucer Attack



The Fall – Hex Enduction Hour



Contortions – Buy



Silvester Anfang – Satanische Vrede



But if you were to push me into a corner and wave a loaded gun in my face, I’d probably have to go for Vivian Jackson and the Prophets’ fantastic Conquering Lion.

Forget black dudes in sharp suits and pasty white kids with pillow cases over their heads trying to look scary; forget giant plumes of marijuana smoke and drug fucked daughter fuckers wearing top hats. This sleeve is an absolute joy; it’s so vibrant and colourful, it just makes me smile – even though the kid looks kind of sad. (Weirdly the only pictures I could find online were really pink, the sleeve I have is a wonderful red.)

[Incidentally, Vivian Jackson aka Yabby You died on 12th January 2010. Once more death edges a little closer.]

9.) What record are you currently searching for?

I don’t do a whole lot of ‘searching’ any more (as I say, I’m in recovery), but I still like a good chisel when I get the chance. I’d quite like to get my hands on an original copy of Arthur Doyle plus 4’s Alabama Feeling. And Center of the World Vol. 1 and 2 by Frank Wright Quartet. Oh, and I wouldn’t say no to a copy of Crippled Pilgrims’ 1984 EP Head Down-Hand Out (on Fountain of Youth). But I’m also looking forward to getting Richard Skelton’s new album Landings. It’s not just about old rare records, you know. And I don’t suppose I’ll ever really stop.

10.) Is there a visual side to your accumulating of records?

Well, I don’t use a colour swatch when I go record shopping, if that’s what you mean. But I have bought plenty of records over the years just because they had a good sleeve, Music From the Far North, for example, which is a compilation of Finnish and Swedish folk songs on Argo from 1967 (my copy even has the bottom right hand corner completely torn away); and Brother Love’s Travelling Salvation Show by Neil Diamond, which looks so good you forget it’s a Neil Diamond album and is almost as good as it looks. There are many more.

11.) Can you pinpoint an event in your life that has gone some way to shaping your listening habits?

What like playing football as a kid and being told by the coach that proper footballers don’t wear pants? It’s a bit of an odd question, Matt. But if you insist… when my son was born we listened to a hell of a lot of reggae. For some reason he really liked Prince Far I, particularly the track ‘Tribute to Bob Marley’ from Voice of Thunder. I’ve heard it’s got something to do with the rhythm being similar to that inside the womb, but that might just be reggae bollocks. As my son got older and moved in to his own room, I found myself listening to more music in the car – a twenty-five year old grey Volvo estate – cruising round the back streets of south-east London, with the window wound down, the sunroof open, listening to Billie Holiday and the Beach Boys’ 20 Golden Greats really fucking loud. Sometimes I wish I smoked a pipe.

12.) Do records make you happy?

Of course. And sometimes they make me cry. Sometimes they make me want to drink. Sometimes they make me want to jump up and down like a crazy man and punch people in the face. But I guess you mean, ‘do records, ie the physical slabs of black vinyl, make me happy?’ Then no – they’re just slabs of black vinyl. It’s all about the music, isn’t it? Or is it? There is definitely something about records. Aesthetically, I mean. I have always got more pleasure pulling a record out of a bag than a CD or a fucking cassette. Turning the sleeve in your hands, studying it, feeling the weight of it, slipping the record out of the inner, placing it on the deck, dropping the needle into the shallow groove… the ritual of it. Yes, records make me happy. But sometimes they make me feel empty and shallow. Like drinking and wanking.

13.) Record shop wise what's given you the biggest thrill?

If you’re talking about purchases, then it’s got to be the time David Tibet sold a load of records in to the shop where I was working, including these Albert Ayler and Archie Shepp records that I’d been after for ages, things like Black Gypsy and Pitchin Can. Stashing those records felt pretty good. As did buying a UK original version of Noah Howard’s Black Ark for about fifteen quid. Otherwise, listening to Trout Mask Replica. For some reason, it always sounds amazing when played in the shop. Same with the Minutemen.

14.) Do you ever dream about record shops or record shopping? if so please expand.

No, I’m not mental.

15.) What is your favorite record shop ever?

MVE, 28 Pembridge Road, Notting Hill, late nineties. Don’t get me wrong, it was shit, really shit – stocked with the worst records that no-one wanted to buy, we’re talking the real dregs, and most of the customers were worse – but I worked there with these really great guys and I fucking loved it. Shit records though… Or maybe Norman’s, which was a stall in Gravesend Market. It’s where the chiselling began. I was still at school and we’d go down there at lunchtime, all excited, and flick through the racks buying all these white labels and records by bands we’d never heard of like The Flaming Mussolinis and Fra Lippo Lippi. But are either of these my favourite record shop ever? Probably not.

16.) Having worked in a record store for some time, describe the 'amusing record shop based event' that springs most quickly to mind.

There was this time a bloke came to the counter to sell a load of records. I asked him if he had any ID. He didn’t and he started getting all annoyed, like ‘don’t you know who I am?’ He then went over to the racks and came back with a copy of The Only Ones’ Baby’s Got A Gun and threw it on the counter, saying: “Will this do?”. I turned to a colleague who shrugged his shoulders, suggesting it was OK. Ten minutes later I turned to my colleague and said: “How the fuck was I to know that there was a short, fat, bald bloke in The Only Ones?” I looked up, and John Perry was standing right next the till, not three feet away, flicking through Rock & Pop A-B….

17.) How will you dispose of your collection when you die?

I won’t, I will be dead. My son will place them in a boat, set them on fire and push them out to sea, acrid black smoke reaching into the sky. In his hand he will be holding one record from the collection that he has carefully selected that he will treasure and play each subsequent year at the exact time of my death. Who fucking cares? I will probably have sold the lot years before in order to pay child maintenance.

18.) Are you allergic to nuts?

Nope.

19.) Name three records that you believe have shaped the universe around you.

‘Oh’, ‘Fuck’ and ‘Off’.

20.) Name one album that you believe represents the pinnacle of human musical achievement.

‘The pinnacle of human musical achievement’? Will you listen to yourself? Christ. The original soundtrack to Fame? What about Double Nickels on the Dime? It’s punk, it’s jazz, it’s funk, it’s a little bit country and you know it got soul. Hell, it’s even got Van Halen. D. Boon and Mike Watt – fucking corn-dogs.

21.) Worst album you ever bought?

This is where I bang on about Sgt. Pepper’s being shit, isn’t it? The thing is, I’ve never bought Sgt. Pepper’s. Why would I? And that’s why I’m really struggling with this. It’s not the worst album I’ve ever heard, but the worst I’ve bought. Sure, I’ve bought plenty of records over the years that turned out to be a bit shit, records that have gone straight into the trade pile – often without a full listen (you can just tell, why waste more time than you need to, huh?) But none of them was Sgt. Pepper's. Or Celine Dion, for that matter. So which of this bad lot was the worst? I just don’t know. I mean, who remembers the shit ones? You don’t make note of a bad wank. Do you? That said, I once saw Coldplay live at Glastonbury because my wife wanted to see them, and before the first song had even reached the chorus, I turned to my wife, said “Hold this”, handed her my pint and puked all over her shoes. I remember that.

BALTIK - BALTIK

The snow is melting like the wicked witch of whereverthefuck and with this the week starts a new. A weekend of nothing aside of the usual is behind me: drink, slouching, being kept away by roudy Germans leaving the night club opposite, pasta and this...

To be honest my motto of 'Always judge a record by it's cover' has a pretty low success rate, I have no idea where it came from but it's my motto so get your own. Take Baltik - Baltik for example. It looks incredible, important, like the missing link between Nordic Prog and Black Metal. It isn't.

Baltik starts with the kind of twin guitar assault that brings to mind lazy period Big Country at best. It is nothing short of disgusting. It's the theme from Top Gear but in slow motion and without the pay-off of watching Clarkson be borderline racist about motor vehicles. Sadly the pain doesn't stop there. Track two and the majority of side one is late seventies show tune ballads with the kind of soft rock accompaniment that betrays the sleeve as much as it is instantly forgettable.


So why do I own this? All I can say is that it sounded a lot better when it was played to me at a friends house. In fairness the second side is an improvement and the female lead is solid throughout but its not enough to change the fact that this is a pop/rock album that has been blown up and bloated by those crazy beat collecting guys, labeled inaccurately with the 'P' word (Prog) and had its price hiked way beyond where it should be.


Regardless of the fact that the vast majority of this record is dishwater dull I won't be getting rid of it just yet. The last track 'Long Long Weekend' is good, and for now at least enough to save the entire dire mess. And besides that, the sleeve is so convincing that I can almost pretend to myself that it really is some kind of long lost break-through Pagan Electronic Drone LP.

BEYOND ALL HOPE - EXCERPT FROM 'VINYL' DOCUMENTARY

Every record shop in every town has at least one total nut-bag and I would pay money to know which shop this particular punter calls home. I could quite literally watch him all day long... From a safe distance of course, say fifty feet back and from behind a protective barrier.

What makes this guy so special aside from his quest to own a copy of every single song ever made, is that he combines the whole obsessive 'record collector' thing with the multiple murderer look so well. It's flawless. I quite literally would not blink if he pulled a cheer leaders severed head from behind his back and began singing 'Heartbreak Hotel' to it.

I do wonder if I still worked in a record shop whether I would be brave enough to observe and document this man's character or if I would just panic and call the police every time he widened his eyes in my general direction. Still, knowing that he exists (or existed) makes me feel like my shit is not far off being together and for that Mr 'K-Tel Memory superstar' I thank you.

 

TEST SUBJECT 1.a - SELF (CONTROL SAMPLE)

1.) Why do you think people become obsessive about records?

I think it takes a 'special' type of person, somebody who is maybe obsessive/compulsive in other parts of their life. It could also have something to do with man's need to hoard, to gather. As for why specifically records? Is it that different to books? Not really, although there is something marginally more acceptable and less 'trainspotty' about somebody who buys a lot of books.

I don’t think there is any one single thing that makes a 'record obsessive'. I have looked for a common denominator amongst friends and ex-colleagues but nothing really stuck out aside of a love of music from an early age. I was hoping to find a repeat pattern: torturing neighborhood cats or collecting the hair clippings of female classmates, no such luck. At this point my career as a record collector profiler has hit a brick wall.

2.) Would you class yourself as obsessive about records?

Yes I believe I would, it is not a label I like but it's marginally better than being called a record collector. There is something about the word 'collector', it suggests to me at least that you buy for financial gain.

3.) Do you have any 'rules' regarding what you will or will not buy? ie: certain labels, re-issues, bands you have an issue with regardless of liking them, shit sleeves etc...

Nothing on the '4 Men With Beards' label... Ever. Same applies to the majority of reissue labels including 'Get Back', ‘Bam Caruso’ etc. Soul Jazz however is a bit of a grey area. I own stuff on that label, solid label. Bands I have an issue with, too many to name. Shit sleeves, absolutely. If the sleeve is shit it's out.

4.) How many records do you currently own?

Hard to say without counting. Somewhere in the region of 1000, it evolves, stuff comes in, stuff goes out. I believe it’s important to edit, to filter to cut off the dead wood.

5.) What is your most played record ever?

Duran Duran ‘Rio’ is up there.

6.) What do you think your record 'collection' says about you?

To some extent my record 'collection' represents the person I aspire to be rather than who I actually am. As for what it says about me it would be something along the lines of 'here is somebody who is meticulous, fastidious, into some really fucking good music, half of which he never plays, some of which is painfully cool and equally as painful to listen to' but more importantly I think it says 'here is a man with a problem'.

7.) Favorite sleeve?

This is a good sleeve. Sadly, it's a completely average record.

8.) If the creator of the cosmos could see you record collection what do you think he would say?

'Holy shit did you ever miss the point of 85 years on Earth, now get me a Heineken and let’s discuss the subject of ‘wasted opportunities’.'

9.) Which record that you don't have would you most like to magically appear under your pillow?

Pretty much everything is in reach in the age of the internet and because of this we are running out of ‘Holy Grails’. If you have the money, with very few exceptions, you can have any record ever produced in your hands within a week (or up to 14 days if it’s sent media mail). Anyway, any record? The copy of ‘Double Fantasy’ with the Mark David Chapman finger prints on it. Not a massive fan of the record but it is such a potent symbol of bloated and over blown art versus reality.

10.) Is there a visual side to your accumulating of records?

Why yes there is! It' s almost as if I wrote this myself. Regardless of music if the sleeve is amazing it has a chance of staying in the picture, if only temporarily. This is because much of my obsession is visually aesthetic and not just aurally. If it was just about the music my only problem would be where to store all of my C90s and what bit rate to download at. I think with records you are dealing with artifacts as much as anything else, weird little things that have traveled through time, from the past to be with you here in the present day as reminders of cultures gone by.

11.) Can you pinpoint an event in your life that has gone some way to shaping your listening habbits and subsequent accumulating of records?

My interest in music started because my uncle was in a NWOBHM band called Reaper, they did a demo tape, it had a song on it called ‘Make Mine Hard’, that catapulted me into the black hole that is ‘Heavy Metal’. Then for some reason a friend of my mums gave me a Linton Kwesi Johnson album and as much as I didn’t get reggae or dub at the time it did open my ears… right up until I traded it in towards a copy of Kiss ‘Dynasty’. Prior to that I was Duran Duran all the way, it was the hair.

As for the collecting thing: Highly competitive childhood friend bet me that he would have more 7” singles than me by the end of 1985. I took up the challenge regardless of the fact that he forgot about ever setting it.

12.) Do records make you happy?

I think the purchase of records releases the same drug inside you as purchasing anything else, say shoes or a $600 hand bag, but that happiness is massively fleeting. The accumulation of records has the potential to make me happy in the same way as say a fridge stocked with everything you need food wise, but the downside is that instead of say like with a fridge you stop when you have all of the food that you realistically need for a specific period of time. With records you just keep going, stuffing yourself and getting fat… and not really enjoying the metaphorical music food any more right? Right? I think that’s a pretty good analogy but it needs some work.

13.) Record shopping wise what's given you the biggest buzz?

It was the pre-Ebay days and I was working in a record shop having a conversation with a colleague about the one record I was really after at the time, it was the Mathematiques Modernes LP, anyway, a customer waiting to pay for something said ‘Oh I’ve got that, you can have it for twenty quid.’ Even though that was book price at the time I was massively happy that that search was over.

14.) Do you ever dream about record shops or record shopping? if so please expand.

I have a reoccurring dream where I am naked and in bed with early 90’s porn starlet Selena Steele only her face is actually the sleeve of Dylan’s Blonde on Blonde and I don’t know whether to have sex with her or tell her that the Isley Brothers version of ‘Lay Lady Lay’ is better than the one Bob did.

15.) What is your favorite record store ever?

REDACTED

16.) Having worked in a record store for some time, describe the 'amusing record shop based event' that springs most quickly to mind.

The guy who came in asking for something by ‘Milky Robinson and the Miracles’ always made me chuckle, but regarding personal amusement rather than something that might make a powerful anecdote for a particularly poor book, it would have to be when we used to play the ‘Ultravox’ game: One of the later Ultravox albums ‘U-Vox’ came in a pink slatted gimmick sleeve that meant that whatever record you hid behind it was massively obscured but still, if you were an attention to detail head, it was just about recognizable. So we would take it in turns at guessing the sleeve from the back of the shop. This was too easy so we moved the game across the road, which involved guessing the sleeve through four lanes of London traffic and an intersection.

Oh and there was the Bowie box. Which was basically a cardboard box with a crudely drawn felt pen likeness of Bowie circa Ziggy Stardust on it, we would take turns in putting it on our heads and talking like David Bowie to pass the time. Happy fucking days.

17.) How will you dispose of your collection when you die?

Right ,what I mean is ‘How will my record collection be disposed of when I die.’: I would like to think I had the good sense to trade it in towards a beach hut in Manila way before then but it’s more likely that I will die, stray cats will get in through a broken window and I’ll be found weeks later a chewed and partial torso surrounded by a monumental case of cat piss based sleeve damage.

18.) Name three records that you believe have shaped the universe around you.

I can’ do that as I intend on reviewing them at a later date. Although like for pretty much everybody my age who isn’t ‘Rave music’ Slint –Spiderland had a colossally profound effect.

19.) Name one album that you believe represents the pinnacle of human musical achievement

Primal Scream – Screamadelica – Gigantically cod answer yes, but apart from the part that goes off into what sounds like a Tampax advert it’s a pefect 10. Total fluke, right producer and the right drugs at exactly the right time.

20.) Most over-rated record ever?

Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band. That would have been a pretty incendiary response going back ten years but I think that people are slowly realizing that it really isn’t the ground breaking first that it is supposed to be.

22.) If somebody offered you a full cash refund on every record you ever bought, would you take it?

I don't know. The cash would probably go on something equally as futile if I did.

23.) Do you think that your obsession has had a negative effect on your social life? 

Without a doubt yes.

BOOKER TO AND THE MGS - UP TIGHT

'Wont somebody help me please.'

I know Fredrick Knight has nothing to do with this record, (although I think they are both on Stax) this was actually more of a genuine cry for help.

I got rid of my copy of 'Up Tight' less than two months ago. It was a reissue I bought on holiday in Spain, again with my mate Nathan. On this occasion the event sticks in mind not because of the record shop but because of the fact that we ended up getting stuck in the town of Gerona after somebody misread a bus time-table. Anyway. 'Up Tight' goes out... Then yesterday, guess what? 'Up Tight' comes back in. So that's great but can I ask why? Yes, because this time it's a shiny U.S First press with a nice pasted on back sleeve and it smells great.

Unrelated I am now thinking about tapas and red wine and wishing that the hills of northern Spain were outside my window rather than what looks like an Anton Corbijn Joy Division photo shoot. Jesus Christ this place is miserable.

Anyway, I didn't really want to let my re-issue go but it was sticking out like a sore thumb, very much in the same way that that Doroty Wotsit record is now doing the same thing, so into the 'Out Pile' it went. Then yesterday having run through the snow to my local record shop like a child chasing the travelling circus I found this on the counter ready to be priced. After a brief internal wrestle, reminding myself that I didn't need to become a Stax completist, not least because 'Lena Zavaroni' put out a record on the label, I decided I needed it back.

Nice cheery chat and fifteen Euros later... oh okay sixty (I also managed to accidentally buy the fourth Blue Cheer and Archie Shepp's 'The Magic of Ju Ju') I was back at home with this on my record player and filling my room. 'Time is Tight' is great, it's THE clever funeral record of choice, starts with an almost sombre and very bluesy organ and works it's way into something every bit as Desert boot shuffling and Mod as 'Green Onions'. Can't think of much better to play a coffin down the aisle. Then there is 'Tank's Lament' great song, but not as good as the main reason for me needing this back which is 'Johnny I Love You' the opener. 'Guy on Guy' Sweet soul music of the highest order. Great song.

Not a perfect album by a long shot but definitely something I am glad is back on my shelf. Anyway, enough of that. Back to dreaming of eating Chorizo and drinking a glass of Rioja the size of my face.