Monday, August 3, 2009


If this blog was about CDs I listened to in my car I would be reviewing the 20th Anniversary edition of the 'Dirty Dancing' soundtrack. I would be telling you about how it's kind of patchy and not much of an improvement on the original and how 'Hungry Eyes' and the theme from 'Dirty Dancing' are still the two stand-outs. I would also be lamenting about how I remember watching the film for the first time at a house party, the same house party which acted as my gateway to adolescence by means of the game 'Spin the Bottle'. It was at Francesca Reynolds' house in Sheffield and it was a Saturday night, facts which mean absolutely nothing to anybody unless they were there.

Anyway, I only half watched the film and didn't really like it, protesting and suggesting we watch Mad Max 2 (Road Warrior if you are American) instead. It wasn't until years later when I came around to re-appraising much of that late 80's schlock that I actually got into the film and the soundtrack. There's just something so wrong about it. Everything from Swayze's hair to the weird Nineteen Sixty Eighty Six setting....

But this blog isn't about CD's I listen to in my car, it's about records I listen to on my record player. So on returning from a visit to Tesco's supermarket in the Czech Republic I put this on, 'Blood, Guts and Pussy' by The Dwarves.

Why did I drive three hours to go to a supermarket in another country. If you have ever visited a German supermarket you will already have the answer. Fuck a German supermarket. Anyway, it was well worth it and I returned boot full of wonders such as 'cook in' sauce and ginger ale. My trip was also made interesting by the line of hookers that waved at me from the trees on the outskirts of the city of Plzen. Weird as a motherfucker I know.

So onto the seminal 'Blood, Guts and Pussy'...

I first bought this on CD in 1991. The band was on Sub Pop, it was six quid and the sleeve speaks for itself. What greeted me when I put it into the CD player was what I thought of as somekind of a mathematical anomoly. thirteen songs, just over twelve minutes. Anyway, I pressed play and sure enough twelve minutes later the room was back to silent.

I bought my vinyl copy when I was working at Music and Video Exchange in Notting Hill in 1998 and music aside it is still THE GREATEST ALBUM SLEEVE IN THE HISTORY OF MAN...EVER. It's perfect, from the rabbit clutching midget to the stunningly attractive naked brunettes covered from head to toe in blood. But what about the music? The music's fucking awesome aswell, a distorted, snarling, warp speed take on circa 77 punk, each song is alloted just under a minute in which to offend, arouse and/or destroy.

Sadly despite one of the greatest publicity stunts ever in which the band announced the death of the drummer to the press and drummer's family... Only to later announce that it was infact nothing more than a jolly jape, The Dwarves went to shit shortly after this. Album by album the songs got longer, less aggressive and rather than dying in a car crash or liqour store shoot out as the doubtlessly should have they got old and became a parody of themselves. They even revisited the above iconic sleeve with a 'bubblebath foam' version, partially covering both midgets and female models. What the fuck?

Even so, this doesn't mean we can't remember the band at the height of their powers and salute 'Blood, Guts and Pussy' for what it is: My vote for replacement 'World Contact Day' song, I mean really, do we want aliens to think we are a planet of the The Carpenters loving hippies as 'Calling Occupant's' suggests or do we want them to be welcomed to our fair terra firma to the sounds of:

Beat you up and fuck your butt
Give me AIDS- fuck meI just wanna get laid
Give me AIDS- yeah yeah
There's bite marks on my dick?
Shooting up drugs is the life for me
I've got my HIV Give me AIDS- fuck me

Interstellar poetry.

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