Where have I been, what have I been doing? Well I did a spot of charity work feeding homeless street punks, learnt to hand-glide and found God.
Oh wait, no I didn't, I've been record shopping. I'm always getting feel good, outdoor spiritual activities mixed up with pissing my money up the wall in the company of piss stained old men and baseball cap wearing idiots.
So what's on the turntable today I hear you ask? It's Magma and their jolly 'Attahk' album. What do we know about Magma? Well we know that Magma was a German hard-core pornography distributor responsible for much of the Dolly Buster back catalogue, but it's not that Magma. This Magma is a group of French loons led by the always idiot-haired Christain Vander.
Imagine Tiny Tim in a speed singing competition backed by impossibly fast drums and various other high end instrumentation that gives the over all effect of mice attacking your brain, well thats 'Attahk'. There is a thin line between clever and stupid and I'm still not sure which of those camps this particular entry falls into. Yes its woefully annoying and the HR Geiger 'AIDS baby' sleeve makes me want to be sick on it but after 'Attahk' ended, when I listened to something more normal, something with a human tempo I just kept thinking 'When is this going to take off? When is it going to go to warp speed spastic?'. That would surely suggest that our man Vander is onto something no matter how much like Miss Piggy he sounds.
So if you slow the record down long enough to hear what the classically trained Christain Vander is singing you will be surprised to hear that it's not French, it's not English either. It is in fact Kobaian. A language not of this earth invented by said Vander. That's right he actually invented a constructed language for our delight and delictation... or was it because he was a borderline cult leader nut-job? Either way much of Magma's work is sung in Kobaian.
Anyway, back to that sleeve. I haven't posted it here because I don't want to look at it. Whilst it's isn't actually the most repulsive record sleeve ever it isn't something I want to be affronted by everytime I come to bitch about records or fantasize about killing MTV stalwarts. Google it if you really can't live with the mystery. Too much time has been spent on it for it to simply be labelled shit and maybe that's why it offends me so. Anyway, in place of the sleeve we instead have an early shot of the Magma cult. Mushroom headed Vander second from left.
I know it's not as catchy but Magma should have been called 'The Cosmik Hitler Fucking Youth' at least that way you get the general idea of whose going to be behind the curtain when you go and see them live. Without the insight and given the confusion over the name I for one would have expected a naked and top heavy German woman with 80s hair intent on inserting her fist where God hadn't planned it to go.